The last thing that I thought would happen....

This blog is something that I've been thinking about posting since June 21st. I have to say, that after the bravery of Canadian Blogger Girl I felt that maybe I could post about it too and I wasn't the only one.

As my previous posts on this blog will indicate, I am ill. I am not going to go into what I have, again, just touching on the fact that I am ill. Because of being ill, I take a lot of medications, a lot of medications that fight pain on many different levels. Unfortunately, the side effects of many of these medications is an adverse effect on my sexual desire, mainly between all of the medications, I have zero sexual desire. To add insult to injury, my Fibromyalgia, at times, can make my cookie so completely clenched. Not "like a virgin" tight, no entry without crying out in severe pain and not loosening up. So, as you can imagine - my husband and I don't have sex very often at all. We wait around for me to get something that may be like having a sexual reaction to something and trying to exploit it so that my husband and I can enjoy each other in that way. Before my illness decided to alter the path of my life so drastically, the slightest touch of my husband running his fingers down my arm or him looking at me a certain way across the room could send us to bed. Let me tell you about that, actually - I won't go into detail other than we have amazing sex. It is nothing like any of the sex I had before him and I don't intend to be with anyone else. It is impossible to explain the love he and I share, it is what those cheesy romance novels talk about. You know, the love at first sight, can't be away from each other because it physically hurts, the world ends when I'm in his arms - kind of thing. Yes, I turned into THAT girl, all doe-eyed and the antithesis of whom I said I would when I got married. My husband, quite literally, feels the same and isn't afraid to admit it. I'm also that lucky...:) We are each others best friends and can talk to each other about everything. We check out chicks together, I point out the nice looking boobs or butts. I never discourage him looking at porn or going to a strip club, both activities, I'd gladly do with him.

We found the courage to talk to each other about the "what-if's" of the sexual aspect of our relationship. With my sexual desire taking a nose dive, and with the increased pain in my joints making our sex life incredibly difficult, even when the mood strikes. We were talking that there is possibilities of my hip bones fusing so there will be severe limitations put on my movements and it could take the possibility of sex right off of the table. Now, my husband is eight years older than I am and has a very healthy sexual appetite. I acknowledge this and also acknowledge that at some point I will no longer be able to give that to him. And as much as it breaks my heart to think about that is an awful lot to ask him to give up. So we discussed it and we left it on the table to be discussed at a later time because he felt that we were no where near needing to take up the possibility of him having a "sex stand in". In my mind, I rationalize that if that is all that is broke with our marriage, then I'd rather find a way to be okay with him meeting that need with some healthy boundaries in place than lose him and my marriage. We've discussed this many times over the last six months, all just trying to communication our thoughts and feelings on the matter and try to feel out all of the ramifications and trying to see if we could/can really make a really well thought out choice for our marriage.

Something changed with me and my sexual desire picked up a bit. I went from desiring it once every 6-7 weeks to increasing to about once everyone week/week and a half. I felt proud, maybe the time I was spending concentrating on a lot of stuff with my husband was working, or maybe doing some extra fantasizing or maybe it was reading naughty stories..who knows, but something changed and I was proud of myself. Then one day, my husband tells me he is meeting his son at the movies that evening and they were planning on seeing a scary movie (I don't like scary movies). I didn't bat an eyelash and bade him to have fun with his son, also wanting hubby to spending alone bonding time with his kids whenever he or they want. He came back about an hour and a half later, some miscommunications with his son and they decided not to see a movie, but to hang out the next day. A couple of days later, we had a small hiccup with a past issue from one of the kids and I was playing "the person in the middle" as I typically do. I got into my husband's e-mail account to see if one of the people I was trying to contact on the behalf of my husband had e-mailed him. In the process of doing thing, I clicked on his sent mail. In his sent mail, there was about 5 message with photo attachments sent to an e-mail address that looked very much like something my husband would make up. In opening up the sent pictures, I saw a couple of pictures of him, a picture of a pierced clit and a naked picture of my husbands junk. So I went to the other e-mail client and hacked into that e-mail account. I had found that my husband had posted a "strictly platonic" ad on Craigslist looking for someone to talk to but had responded to some ad for a female looking for friends with benefits and had exchanged genetalia photos with him. After doing a little bit of digging, my husband had used meeting up with his son at the mall to go to the movies as a ploy to meet up with this woman.

According to him, nothing happened between them. I was and still am devastated. I was betrayed. I was mentally and emotionally trying to be okay with him sleeping with another woman when we were no longer able to have sex. I always listened to him talk to me about his sexual frustrations. I was always very clear with him that it was nothing he was doing that caused the issue with our sex life. I knew he knew that because when we'd have a break in meds due to financial issues, we were at it like rabbits. While he says nothing physical happened with this woman, I still don't want him to touch me sexually. I can't leave him or divorce him. Don't judge me and think me weak, our relationship is special and unique. I couldn't lay next to him in bed. I could listen to him to go on and on about how much he loved me and how he knew it was a mistake from the get go but didn't know how to get out of it. Listening to him tell me for sure what he had told me a month before without meeting up with another woman that it isn't the physical act of sex he is missing....it is what makes us us is what he is missing. When we have sex, it is an amazing connection that is so above and beyond anything ever. That shit is once in a lifetime shit, not something you get with someone you don't know or don't love.

Right now, I'm still stuck on all of this. How do I move past it? How do I forgive it? How do I stop being mad at him about this? Will I ever find a way to not want to make him feel a hurt as deeply as he hurt me? I know that revenge isn't always the best way, but in this instance I want him to hurt, but I don't want to violate his trust because when I took my vows I took them very seriously.

We are going to start therapy so we can deal with this issue in addition to find ways to deal with not being able to have a sexual relationship that is satisfying to him. He understands it's not a lack of wanting him, it's an inability to want him. In so many ways our relationship is strong, but when our relationship and my illness collide, we have issues because he struggles in understanding what I go through and I am angry about being sick. I think in some ways he's angry with me for being sick but doesn't realize it.

I made my choice to stay in this marriage regardless of his urge to violate my trust and instead of us continue talking throughout the possibility of him having an approved Mistress, but it doesn't mean I don't get to still hurt about it. It doesn't mean that I want to take the mistress thing off of the table now because he's proved untrustworthy. I even added the GPS tracker service to our cell phones so I can constantly check on his location to make sure is where he says he is. I can't stand him being on his laptop, especially Craigslist, I am constantly over his shoulder with his e-mails and Facebook. I take his phone whenever my fancy wills and verify that he isn't chatting up some random chick. He isn't keeping his phone glued to him anymore which is helping. But the computer thing is killing me. It's like I can't trust him to not indulge. I just can't trust him, period.

Sorry for the long post, but I needed to get this out.

Mother's Day

I know many women are mother's. And I know a lot of those that are mother's are great ones. I guess today I am struggling with celebrating the fact that I am a mother as I watch my only child play a video game and feeling enormous guilt for being HIS mother.

Unfortunately my pregnancy with B triggered my disease. It went from a small flare here and there (nothing noticeable or to give any cause for concern to) to being full blown. The last nine and a half years of my life have been so incredibly blessed and yet so horrific at the same time. I look at my child and know that he's worth it, especially now knowing that my clock is starting to tick tock loudly and me knowing that regardless of what my body is saying it wants - it just can't.

I sit here with my mother's guilt over how I'm not the mom I wish I was because of my body. Being trapped in a prison with a life sentence for a crime that is and always be so worth it. It makes me wonder how my disease is going to impact the way my child is brought up. It makes me wonder if my child has inherited the gene that will give him a chance of having this disease. It makes me wonder if having him here with me over his dad is the smartest option knowing that I can't take him out and do things with him like his dad can. That even taking him to a library or to a McDonald's can send me to bed for a few hours. I miss the days before I got the way I am of taking him out somewhere just him and I and being together. He is truly my mini-me. He is my reason for living and he is my greatest annoyance! (hehe)

On days like today when I sit and reflect and watch my child, I sit back and think..I made that. It grew from MY belly. I loved him and nurtured him before anyone else could touch him. He is MINE. He was born from me, he slept at my side and on my chest. I am the one that he's always wanted when he's not well or hurt and even at 9 years old, he still wants to crawl in bed and cuddle me. I made that. I have my hand in rearing that. It is when I sit down and thinking about it, he may have triggered my disease into activity - but he also breathed life into me and I wouldn't change one damn thing.

Struggling

This last week and a half or so has been very difficult. My pain levels in my upper mid back have spiked nearly uncontrollably and I can barely tolerate the pain. My pain pills max at 4 a day and the start to make me sick if I'm taking them every 6 hours. So I'm taking my anti-nausea pills too which makes me loopy. I can't for the life of me figure out what is going on. My suspicion is that there is more progression of my disease in my back and either it is fusing or the vertebrae are squaring off in order to fuse. All I know is that I'm about ready for some heavier duty pain pills than I have right now. The Percoset 10's just aren't cutting it, which is sad in and of itself.

I'm struggling emotionally too. It always seems that when the physical aspect of me takes a turn for the worse, that the emotional isn't too far behind. It's just hard to keep a smile on your face when all you want to do is cry or are walking around like a freaking zombie. I'm pretty sure I need some therapy, but it's just one more thing to remind me of how fucked up my life is and I just barely turned 30 a week and a half ago.

Anyway, short and sweet - but that's all you get when I'm all but passing out.

One of my "billiant" ideas...

One day, a girl that goes by Misha thought that she'd foster a puppy for 9-12 months. This girl thought that she may not be selected, but she did. She got the puppy on Tuesday this week. That night the puppy slept like a dream due to having shots. Wednesday night, the puppy had other plans. Apparently Misha forgot that puppies don't come crate trained. The puppy cried and whined all night leaving Misha with a scant 5 hours of very broken sleep.

Misha was determined after that. After a lot of reading on the web about puppies, she went to work on crate training that day. Thursday night, it paid off. Misha was exhausted, but couldn't sleep, but the puppy entered its crate, laid down and slept for 5 solid hours - went out and did it's business and then slept for well, I'm not sure as Misha's husband was on puppy duty the next day.

Misha is now running around after a puppy telling it "NO!" when it wants to: eat the blinds, chew on the table, terrorize the cat, eat the cat poop from the litter and scavenge just about anything else in the house.

Misha is doubting her sanity!

A Movie and Some Thoughts

The movie I've wanted to see since November finally came out on pay per view today - I was stoked. I watched Love and Other Drugs, the main draw to the show? I could relate. No, I'm not a drug sales rep. I relate to Maggie, but no - I don't have Parkinsons. It's the story of a broken person that finds love but wants to shy away from it because of being a broken burden and having someone actually see YOU though the pieces rarely happens. I never thought I'd be where I am today with my health. I warned my husband before he married me that at that time I was doing okay, but it could get much better, but it could get much worse. I told him he could leave and I wouldn't blame him. And he said something to me, the same thing he's told a few people that has questioned him about why he chose to marry me knowing that I am broken (I prefer broken to sick, sick implies I can get better - broken is more descriptive) He said to me, and them, being broken is part of me and he loves me and can't be without me. Sure we'd both prefer it if I weren't broken.

The scale in our marriage definitely doesn't tip his way much or at all. There is always something I need from him on a daily basis. I do my absolute best on most days to give back what I can, but I just can't. Most days it's all I can do to be alive. For me a good day is being able to get up and get my son off to school with a homemade lunch, get him walked to the bus stop, remember to take my morning medications, getting my Edda walked and getting dinner cooked. Notice how a good day doesn't involve taking care of anyone but walking a dog? The dog was got for the sole purpose of helping me to get out of the house, she's perfectly content to nap with me during the day and skip the walks.

It is nearly midnight for me, and I'm wide awake. I am having problems sleeping again, there is a lot of pain involved in laying down and keeping myself laying down for a decent amount of time. On nights like this I wish I had a recliner, preferably 2 - one in the bedroom and the other in the front room. That's the perk of going to my parents for a week later this month - they have recliners. I'm veering off the the subject.

I'm so incredibly grateful for the people in my life that see who I am through the broken. I can tell you that being broken quickly weeds out your friends, but it's good though. In that way it's been a blessing. It's also allowed/forced me to be vulnerable to my husband. Something I probably wouldn't have been able to do without this. There is something incredibly humbling when I'm at my absolute worst that someone can still love you so much. Maybe I'm lucky in as much that I know that my husband truly embodies what being a husband should be; caring, kind, encouraging you to push harder, loves you unconditionally and is completely devoted to his wife. I think a lot of people may not be as lucky as I am.

I do have to say though, there is a lot of things that I hate with being broken. A few are: not being the mom I can and should be, not being the wife I can be, not having a consistent intimate relationship with my husband, not being able to be there for my friends when they need me, not being able to work, losing control over my body and have my mind and memories slowly stolen from me, knowing that it can and will get worse, and most of all I hate how I can't escape it. What I wouldn't give to be able to have a day that I felt rested when I woke up, could get out of bed without having to wait to get okay enough to start moving, walk without a limp or crouching my back and not to weigh every thing I do with how much I'm going to pay for it later that day or the next. There is a price for every action that is out of the norm, it's a constant cost/benefit analysis. I would love a freaking day without having to think or worry about what I do. I'm envious of everyone of you that get to do that.

The Crud

Hubby brought it home, transferred it to the teenager, the 9 year old is coming down with it..and I'm trying to hide from it. So far? Accomplished. We are doing our best to keep me from getting it. The last cold I had, I got from the teenager - just a simple cold, but it turned into bronchitis. This crap? It's going to land me in the damn hospital. I'm not being overly dramatic, I am immno-compromised. I take 2 different medications to suppress my immune system that likes to be over active on my body. sadface.

In other news, I'm headed home to take care of my good ole pops! He's getting a knee replaced and my offspring and I are off to take care of him since my mumsie can't take the full time off work. (hey, finally found a perk to being disabled!) They bought the airplane tickets, and I'm super stoked!! The countdown is on..March 18th can't come quick enough. But the flip side of the coin is that I have to leave the hubby for a week. sadface. We really are a "better when we're together" couple. (Hopefully you have a Jack Johnson tune going in your head now) That week will be crazy. I have a hard time sleeping without him. I really don't like not being around him. I know it sounds like I'm a bit codependent. I'm not, I just love being with him. I can survive without him, I just married him cause I didn't want to! hehe. A Real Housewife of Beverly Hills said it, "When someone asked me if I could really see the rest of my life with him, I told them I couldn't see the rest of my life without him" (Lisa VanderPump. I love that woman.

Speaking of Real Housewives. I'm terribly addicted. I watch them all. New York used to be my favorite, but since Bethenny isn't going to be on there anymore it's the Beverly Hills group. The Atlanta group makes me just crack up on how they can be that way. The New Jersey ones? They claim there is no mob connections, but man..I don't believe it. The OC gals? I actually enjoy them too, I just don't like Tamra all that much. And the jury is still out on the Miami one's...their first episode just aired last week and I had more fun playing games on my iTouch then actually watching their episode. I have no idea why I watch them. I just get sucked in, just like the rest of my trashy reality TV. Hubby says I need a 12 step program, he's probably right.

Anyway, it's off to shower and cuddle up in bed with my lover and watch something on the TV!

A rare glimpse on the inside of me.

Today kinda went south. I showed my husband the part of my last blog that pertained to him. He was in awe...(and I was right, no presents) but today it was a day of struggle after a bit. He hadn't eaten all day and was sleepy for the night before (which is could be a contributing factor) things got heated on both sides and he's sleeping on the couch. His punishment inflicted upon himself. With all the love we "say" we have for each other and on my side I mean it..I don't think he means it as much. Nothing tonight should have been given the instance that started it out. But he wanted to be stubborn. He wanted to shut down instead of just talking about it...and then the normal crap happens, and anyone in a marriage or extended relationship that finds two people living together, the stupid bullshit stuff that is said (more so on his side than on mine, but I'm not innocent here) you know the stuff, things get said that are said specifically because they are set there to hurt. And apparently while I'm in Utah with my family, he'll be moving out of the house. How much truth behind it? Maybe .05%.

I think the problem there stems from a place with him that feels helpless when it comes to me. I have Ankylosing Spondylitis and Fibromyalgia both of which kick my ass on a daily basis, and other days - it just takes over my body completely and I'm barely a shell of a person that can't function. I can't deny that it has to be so incredibly difficult for him to be married to me. I tell him time and time again that he doesn't have to stay. And he reassures me that he married me and whatever happens to my body doesn't take away from the person he married. I think that he feels overwhelmed with this. I spend a lot of time in bed, I need to sleep a lot. Some days, I can barely stay awake due to fatigue, others I can barely get out of bed from pain. Some days, I am kinda normal. And other days, I push past all my conceivable limits to clean the house then pay for it for a week or so. He can't fix that, he can't help me and it frustrates him and it angers him. I think that in some ways that really is a problem with a lot of our fights. The fact he feels helpless.

And the problem is, because he feels helpless, it builds up walls on both sides. I can't talk about how I really feel because he just can't (for lack of a better term) handle me telling him how I feel without him taking it personally because there isn't anything he can do for me. Case in point Sunday: he calls me to tell me he is working a double. (we'd talked and he told me he was going to try to work 2 doubles a week to help us out) Okay, no problem. He then texts me asking me how I'm feeling that day. I told him I'm having some of the worst fatigue I've had in months, that I can barely stay awake. He says, "wish I was there with you but I gotta do this" and I tell him "I know, there isn't anything you can really do for me anyway here, it's just a bad day" Well, it comes out during tonight's argument that I made him feel guilty for telling him how I was doing. He makes how I'm feeling about him and then gets pissed off at me for it. What the hell am I supposed to do? He can't detach his personal feelings about how my health is on a day. I've told him in the past that I literally wanted to die. I've been taking heavy duty pain relievers for over a year now with hardly any let up from pain, I don't know what "no pain" feels like anymore. Some days, I just mull the thought of how painless and freeing death would be. Instead of hearing me say that, he stops me at "I want to die" and then takes the whole thing personally. And when I tell him that it isn't about him, that this "selfishness" he calls it on my part is selfishness on his part. I don't really want to do, I don't plan a suicide - but when I haven't been able to full expand my lungs for a month at a time, can't sneeze without thinking that I'm blowing out my back and drop just about everything I touch..I just dream of how wonderful it will be when I'm dead and that doesn't matter anymore. I don't wish for a cure, not because I don't want to get better, but the industries don't have a financial drive to find a cure..just more and more costly medications. Tangent: Last year, one medication alone was $120,000. One. Not mentioning the others, the doctors appointments. Thank the heavens for health insurance.

The rare glimpse inside of me, as promised. It hurts me the most when my husband shuts down and refuses to talk to me about things, or when I bring up certain subjects, he goes immediately to a red zone, but in literally the same breath expect me to give his subject matter a respectful listen and a joint solution. It's one way. And I think it brought having my son come here to live here for me to realize that this was the actual case. A lot of this relationship is one way. If I were on my dying bed, instead of him trying to comfort me about dying, he'd be angry at me for dying on him and I'd have to take care of him emotionally. Emotionally, I stand alone in this relationship. I don't get the outlet of my husbands support. I just don't know if he even knows how to "be there" for someone. When it comes to me needing him for help with some trivial things around the house, or taking me some where he is great, but there is another layer to this relationship that he has yet to really peel back on his side so I can open up on my side. I've tried to lead by example, I try every day to listen to all he has to say. I offer up my ideas and thoughts. Or by listening to the same drama time and time again that never changes at work (and honestly can't hear it anymore, but I will)

He finds his way to be so distant. When he is here, he isn't really here. I don't know why he's checked out, but I can't get him to check back in. He blames me for it and how I've changed, but it's hard not to change when you're being forced to stand alone against the kids, the bills, the dogs, the problems with me...and all the while I have this husband that is supposed to be here, but he just is constantly plugged into work. Working over, constantly texting his 5 man work crew, or working on paperwork for work at home, or calling his supervisor about work stuff. Literally, he adds about 5-10 hours to work from at every week. I just don't know how to fix it. I try and try to get him to take me to a movie and it constantly gets shoved off. I rarely leave the house. I walk my son to the bus stop, maybe go to 7-11 for a soda or walk my dog around the block. That is all the outside of the house venture I have. So asking him to take me to a movie is a REALLY big deal for me..and for him to say sure and then push it off all the time makes me feel sad, really sad and really forgotten. I try not to ask for much since I feel so bad that he has to do so much for me, so I try to ask for so little, but it just seems it's still too much.

Like is said in my previous post, he is my air..but right now I'm suffocating.

A thought on love..

As stated in my previous post, I'm not a huge fan of people. The few I let in, I love with an intensity that is difficult to explain. My husband's children, my child, my real family and the family of friend(s) I have made.

Today is a day for lovers, but I always think about it as a day for love. It's a time to reflect on those you love and why. So here it is:

My Husband: For seeing the best in me at my worst and loving me in spite of it. For taking such good care of me and hardly going a day without me feeling loved so tremendously. I truly could never imagine my life without him, he is my air.

My Kids: For being that, my kids. One I birthed and 3 I inherited with marriage. I can't imagine my life without any of the inherited ones, like I can't imagine my life without my son.

My Brother: For reconnecting with me and letting me be there for him through everything he is going through. And listening to me.

My Mom: For always trying to get me to look on the bright side, when all I can see is dark. And for booking a couple of tickets for my wee one and I to head home for a week.

My Dad (chosen one): For stepping in and being a freaking awesome dad! I really am happy that he chose to be part of my life.

My Dad (the bio one): For owning up to the past and being willing to move ahead in the present. It will be nice to rekindle a missed relationship.

Tanca: My bestest friend, for always listening to me when I feel like my world is coming to an end. You're the peanut butter to my jelly!

Brandi: For understanding that just because I don't carry on hour long conversations with you all the time doesn't mean I love you any less!

These are my thoughts on love on Valentine's Day. Even if I don't get a gift from my husband, I get one every day as it is.

I found something to do!

I had a 2 hour volunteer orientation at the county animal shelter. I'm one of those people that like animals more than people. Apparently I need to take a total of 5 hours worth of classes on how to train and handle does with what I want to do there. Well, one of the thing I want to do there. Anyway, here is my conundrum with this. It's not that I'm opposed to listening to what they have to say, but I know how to handle dogs. I know how to train dogs. I can train them with positive reinforcement, treat driven or properly using a pinch collar or choke chain. Before ya'll gasp, they are effective tools when used correctly. Just one quick pop, no pulling on the pinch or the choke - that doesn't do anything for you. I'm lucky enough to have a husband that works in a field where he is around dogs all the time, and his BFF is a trainer in that field. So, to say I know how to properly handle a dog and can read their behavior is a pretty correct statement. So, Friday - I get to learn how to handle dogs and if I'm lucky I can do my training for training the dogs then. I pretty well let the coordinator know that I'd be willing to learn and do anything within the shelter.

I'm a huge fan of dogs, we have 3. I have 2 chihuahua mixes (roughly 7 pounds) and I have a pure bred German Shepard. I'm going to have a hard time not bringing all the dogs home. I'm also going to have a hard time when the dogs get adopted or worse, put down. My husband has stated that if there is a behavior issue with a dog and they are going to put the dog down that he'd be okay with fostering the dog and working on the behavior issues and then trying to find a home for the dog.

The truth is, I'm a dog person. I'm not talking my preference to dogs over cats, it's a preference to dogs over people. Especially in this town, people just aren't nice or friendly. It's like everyone doesn't want you here and that they feel like you are intruding on their "space". Dogs aren't like that. They are pretty unassuming, they are always happy to see you. A kiss for you when you're sad and eyes that tell you how much they love you. My dog, Edda is my constant companion and is learning how to be my "service dog". She's learned to brace so I can use her to help get up. Next up is getting her a handle harness so I can grab here when I'm swaying in other words, lost my balance and trying to regain it. She also is always by my side a constant reminder of constant and unconditional love.

I feel like a nap..Edda is waiting! :)

Man I love him..

..but I think I married the bad luck dude and it is passing on to me. It never seems like we can get ahead, we are always limping along. Just as we get to a decent place or point, something else comes along. I have never in my life experienced that much frustration. Example, we will fix problem A in the truck and then problem B manifests like a week later. Luckily hubby used to be a mechanic and is kind of a handy man so it usually works out - but it just seems like we are never getting ahead.

Yesterday was full of set backs again, problems with a year long issue that just won't resolve and then a financial set back (again). Sometimes it feels like the year and a half that hubby and I have been married and the 2 years we have been together, we've been thrown so much crap but we make it through. I don't know how, but we make it through.

Sometimes I wonder if all of these were signs that I shouldn't have stuck with it, but in my heart I just can't imagine me with out him. I just can't see me life without him. It just doesn't make sense without him. We struggle, we have problems, he's got a dead beat ex that just takes his money but refuses to support 1 of her kids even though she gets the child support for 3. It's just hard and it's just frustrating. Just ugh.

I should probably figure out what to do with this headache coming on. I think it is a migraine. Ugh, I hate migraine days.

More eloquent than my other attempts at posting.

This is an older post from my private blog that kinda encompasses how I feel today and the last few. There is a different aspect for today, but that's not for a public blog (much to private family matter) that I wish I could feel comfortable being exposed in talking about..maybe when it's resolved...

From September....

I feel so isolated anymore. I'm a prisoner of my own body and it's slowly stealing my mind and what's left of me. I feel like I'm a shell of who I used to be. I feel like this will never end and will only get worse. And the stupid part is, I'm right. It's not just a feeling, it's a fact. This monster in me just keeps taking over and the only hope I have is to slow it down because it can't be stopped. It will slowly kill me over the span of my life, and it will be the slowest and most painful death imaginable.

It's this stuff that reinforces my questions about a higher power. Some divine being that "tests" us. What's left to test? My faith? I have none. My strength? I am a strong person, I learned to be, but this is shaking even that. Being strong is exhausting. What's the point of this whole damn thing? Let those that love me and are around me see me struggle through each day and suffer? How is that fair to them? Hoping that this doesn't pass down to my child? This isn't the life I want for me, and especially not my child. I guess people could say that it will teach me what my limits are. But it's pretty sad that a lot of days my limit is actually rolling over in bed, but I have to somehow manage to get out of it and be a wife and mother, and even those - I fail at. Hell, I can't even manage to be a friend anymore, because I'm too exhausted by what's going on with me. Do you know how exhausting it is to keep on subject in a verbal conversation for more than a few minutes? Could you say I'm depressed, probably. Could you understand it if you thought about it, probably.

My husband is sooo far ahead of where he was a year ago. He still struggles now and again, but I can't expect him to be perfect. We both struggle with my illness. I live it day to day and he has to watch me "live it" day to day. I can't really imagine what it must be like. Let's use today as an example. We had an appointment at 1030 this morning, my husband starts working on waking me at about 845 so we can leave at 10. Notice I use the terms starts working on. It was about 945 when I could actually get my wits about me enough to get going. I have 15 minutes and a growingly impatient husband (not that he's displaying it, but he's a man that likes to be very early) I shuffle to get a yogurt container and work on eating that while I pull out clothes that would be okay for the day. I'm the the up side of my weight yo-yo so it's looking for stuff that doesn't make me look like I'm looking bad and choking down my pills. I'm finally ready to go at 10. I give him snippy directions that he ignores because he googled it to avoid me needing to do it because I'm *incredibly* absent-minded anymore. So he goes on his way..we get there and he realizes he got the time wrong and we rescheduled. We get back to the vehicle and I can barely get into it because it's too high (it's a temporary one) he offers to pick me up and put me in it since I have to lean way back into him because my hip doesn't allow my leg to go up that high very well or easily. I snap at him "NO!" and he snaps back, don't snap at me please. Well, I can't stand the thought of me losing my ability to do stuff on my own and I don't like him offering to do things like that. I want to ask. People probably think that I'm a bit stubborn and I should be appreciative of my husband. I am both, incredibly. Stubborn to a fault and I have an amazing man that I'm married to. I do have to say I didn't argue with him when he lifted me out of said vehicle.

It was all I could do to say somewhat coherent so I could make sure my son got in the door fine before we locked it up and I went to sleep until the eldest child got home from school. That's another incredibly helpful person. That kid can give us problems up and down, but when he knows I'm having a hard time - he steps right up to help out with the little one.

My most vulnerable moments are always when either a) my husband is physically far away from me or b) he's emotionally distant. The emotionally distant doesn't happen very often anymore at all. Right now, it's a matter of he's been gone from nearly 11 hours and is still on his way back home. He'll be doing the same thing tomorrow, but I'm having a really hard time right now and him working is just not working for me.

On top of the AS and on top of the Fibromyalgia and the insomnia and extreme fatigue, I now have a complex mass in my left ovary. It may be a bleeding cyst, but who knows what it is. I guess I'll find out more next week at my appointment. But one thing for sure it that it will require surgery. That is terrifying. My last surgery, the boob one - threw me into a nasty flare up for a few weeks not to mention that my arms hurt like hell because I guess they held me strapped down or something. This surgery seems more..invasive than a boob cut. Which means I may have to stop my meds for the AS which is a bad bad thing. This last development has officially pushed me over my limit. I can't do this anymore. And you know what? I have to, I don't have a choice not to. When you're a wife and mother, the choice is implicit, you gotta find your happy face and do it anyway. But it's trying, incredibly trying.

Happiness is....

..being in bed with my husband. Just now..he rolled over in his sleep, and as it always does – his arm found me and is now wrapped securely around my waist while he snores softly in his sleep. When he sleeps and reaches out of me, my heart always swells. Most days, he’ll mumble in his sleep – grab me, pull me in close and kiss me good in his sleep.

Happiness is being loved by someone so much. I finally figured out what all the stuff is they talk about with love. My heart hurts when he’s not with me. I find myself following him around just to be close to him. My favorite place to be is by his side. I don’t know how to describe a lot of what I feel for him, but I’m starting to really really open up. He makes me happy, by just being around me. He makes me feel alive.

Opinions are like assholes, and I'm an asshole.

So on a social networking site today, a "friend" posted her stance on what should happen on the cost of medical marijuana in the state I live in. Her belief is that it should be heavily taxed in order for transplants to be funded by the state again. I am very much looking forward to the day here really soon that I can get my medical marijuana card purchase the naturally occurring plant, difuse (infuse) it with butter and bake with it as a means to control my pain and once a week the nausea I feel due to methotrexate. This "friend", I refuse to not use the quotes anymore because apparently I am confused about who my friends are, didn't like me telling her that they should tax her insulin heavily then because she is a type 2 diabetic, is easily 100-150 pounds overweight is only an option (like the medical marijuana would be for me) because diet and exercise should help control her issue, may damage her body in the long run - but diet and exercise should fix it. (I know this because her doctors keep harping on her about it and she gets pissed and switches doctors to find one to allow her to do a gastric bypass) She got super upset that the medication she would need to control a medical condition she kinda sorta brought on herself should be heavily taxed. But apparently an option for pain/nausea management for me on a genetic predisposition (on both sides) to my Rhuematic condition apparently is less of an issue.

So when I bring this up, instead of doing the "friend" thing and saying, you know what? I should maybe think about this some, she just regurgitated what she had heard on some news program. Then tells me in all CAPS, not everything is about me. Here's the question, how is an issue that supposedly not about me - in which she knew I planned on taking advantage of trying (I take 4-5 different types of pills to control pain 2-3 have dual purposes) - saying that they need to really jack up the taxing something I shouldn't take personally? I mean, it sure as hell seems to me that she thinks that anyone who plans on trying to use medical MJ are just drug addicts. Or that they can afford to pay through the nose for the MJ and then through the nose again for taxes. I'm sorry, but I'm on a fixed income. I've not worked in a year and a half, I receive 60% of my former pay in disability (no, it's not much really) my husband's pay in garnished for child support for 3 kids (1 of which lives with us, but that's a whole other blog post) and an old debt from his ex wife. There are months that I don't get to take my full prescribed course of pill therapy in lieu of putting food on the table.

Here's the whole thing that irked me about this conversation. She stopped working about the same time I did because she didn't like the people she worked with and convinced her doctor's to put her on disability. She lives in a nice home in a well to do area here, drives a newer car, flies across country or is randomly shopping all the time. But....she went on state funded health care to pay for her insulin because it was "too much."

How about this for a solution to fix the state not covering the cost of transplants. Why doesn't the state perform a check on those people that are on state funded insurance because their medications cut into their disposable income too much, and kick their ass off of it since they can clearly afford to pay for it, but would rather take trips or shop a lot.

A blog stalker walking into the light of day

I have 2 blogs, this the public one - which I hardly ever post and a private one that I really vent issues out. Most of the items in that blog need not be public information for various reasons. Mainly, it's my way to vent to the universe and kiss the bad feelings goodbye. I don't need the bad feelings typed out in a moment of rage to come back and let karma kick my ass!

I don't want to necessarily make my blog about me being sick, but I am. It takes over my life or threatens to take over my life all the time. It makes every relationship I have incredibly difficult. It's hard to be a wife, mother or friend when you just want to curl up and die. Being sick has afforded me a courtesy to really take a lot on the inside of a lot of things. When you're at home all the time with your thoughts, it's hard not to. No amount of Real Housewives or Kardashian drama can drown it out. By the way, why are those shows so incredibly addicting? I believe Bravo is my favorite TV channel.

I have a private blog I keep that I use to work out problems I'm having and I'll post some of the blogs to this one as they may just show my softer side. I've gotten addicted to playing peek-a-boo on people's lives by reading their blogs and finally decided that it's only fair that I start posting my own so they can play peek-a-boo too.

Yesterday, I played with some puppies. They are Malinois puppies. Those things are freaking phriana's with four legs and fur! My right arm is all bit and scratched up and bruised. Well, the bruising it's hard - you can look at my sideways and I bruise THANKS METHOTREXATE! I am fostering one of those 6 puppies here soon for a few months. I get to make sure it's nice and socialized and won't want to well, tear up someone else's arm later on. Sometimes I wonder about my sanity with these decisions. I was crouching down with them yesterday (which was a STUPID move) all six of them went into a feeding frenzy, one of the razor teethed fools decided to munch on the top of my right foot too.. Anyway, back to the point - crouching is definitely not on the list of activities I should be doing for anything length of time, if at all. I'm paying for it today. Not only does my arm hurt but I can barely sit down or walk. I've been popping percoset today, so my consciousness is a bit foggy to boot. The husband has had to work a swing shift today which makes me the adult in charge of the two kids that live here, one his the other mine. Luckily, they are used to me not feeling well.

On days like today when I'm mostly bed ridden, it starts to make me think. I think about how isolated I feel. Due to all the medication I take and the fact that this Fibromyalgia bullshit gives me lapses in awareness we've decided that I shouldn't drive. So I don't work, lost all but one of my friends, don't feel well enough to get out of the house most days..it's no wonder I feel isolated. I look forward to the days I can convince my husband to take me to lunch or breakfast on his days off, I get out of the house and I get to eat! But the price I pay for it is I look sick all the time. The pain gets worn on my face, I'm always pale and I always have dark circles under my eyes. I get the pity looks, I hate the pity looks. This may be a good time to mention, I'm not really a people person. I get along better with dogs.

Speaking of, I have a German Shepard. Her and I are best friends. She was given to me just this past Christmas and we are pretty inseparable. She is constantly at my side, napping with me, laying on the floor next to me, in the kitchen as I'm cooking. Most people would be annoyed with this, but I love it. It's incredibly nice to feel her constant love and affection. She heels to my right side in the house at all times, and her and I are working on her heeling on our walks. She doesn't do bad, but since she is on the bigger side and can be considered a "bad breed" I want to make sure people see she is under the influence of a good pack leader! By the way, there is not such thing as bad breeds, there are just irresponsible dog owners.

This is all over the place and I will close for now. I am going to pull some of my private blogs postings over this blog as the items in them need not to be necessarily private - but I've decided not to cultivate a public blog, until now.