Today kinda went south. I showed my husband the part of my last blog that pertained to him. He was in awe...(and I was right, no presents) but today it was a day of struggle after a bit. He hadn't eaten all day and was sleepy for the night before (which is could be a contributing factor) things got heated on both sides and he's sleeping on the couch. His punishment inflicted upon himself. With all the love we "say" we have for each other and on my side I mean it..I don't think he means it as much. Nothing tonight should have been given the instance that started it out. But he wanted to be stubborn. He wanted to shut down instead of just talking about it...and then the normal crap happens, and anyone in a marriage or extended relationship that finds two people living together, the stupid bullshit stuff that is said (more so on his side than on mine, but I'm not innocent here) you know the stuff, things get said that are said specifically because they are set there to hurt. And apparently while I'm in Utah with my family, he'll be moving out of the house. How much truth behind it? Maybe .05%.
I think the problem there stems from a place with him that feels helpless when it comes to me. I have Ankylosing Spondylitis and Fibromyalgia both of which kick my ass on a daily basis, and other days - it just takes over my body completely and I'm barely a shell of a person that can't function. I can't deny that it has to be so incredibly difficult for him to be married to me. I tell him time and time again that he doesn't have to stay. And he reassures me that he married me and whatever happens to my body doesn't take away from the person he married. I think that he feels overwhelmed with this. I spend a lot of time in bed, I need to sleep a lot. Some days, I can barely stay awake due to fatigue, others I can barely get out of bed from pain. Some days, I am kinda normal. And other days, I push past all my conceivable limits to clean the house then pay for it for a week or so. He can't fix that, he can't help me and it frustrates him and it angers him. I think that in some ways that really is a problem with a lot of our fights. The fact he feels helpless.
And the problem is, because he feels helpless, it builds up walls on both sides. I can't talk about how I really feel because he just can't (for lack of a better term) handle me telling him how I feel without him taking it personally because there isn't anything he can do for me. Case in point Sunday: he calls me to tell me he is working a double. (we'd talked and he told me he was going to try to work 2 doubles a week to help us out) Okay, no problem. He then texts me asking me how I'm feeling that day. I told him I'm having some of the worst fatigue I've had in months, that I can barely stay awake. He says, "wish I was there with you but I gotta do this" and I tell him "I know, there isn't anything you can really do for me anyway here, it's just a bad day" Well, it comes out during tonight's argument that I made him feel guilty for telling him how I was doing. He makes how I'm feeling about him and then gets pissed off at me for it. What the hell am I supposed to do? He can't detach his personal feelings about how my health is on a day. I've told him in the past that I literally wanted to die. I've been taking heavy duty pain relievers for over a year now with hardly any let up from pain, I don't know what "no pain" feels like anymore. Some days, I just mull the thought of how painless and freeing death would be. Instead of hearing me say that, he stops me at "I want to die" and then takes the whole thing personally. And when I tell him that it isn't about him, that this "selfishness" he calls it on my part is selfishness on his part. I don't really want to do, I don't plan a suicide - but when I haven't been able to full expand my lungs for a month at a time, can't sneeze without thinking that I'm blowing out my back and drop just about everything I touch..I just dream of how wonderful it will be when I'm dead and that doesn't matter anymore. I don't wish for a cure, not because I don't want to get better, but the industries don't have a financial drive to find a cure..just more and more costly medications. Tangent: Last year, one medication alone was $120,000. One. Not mentioning the others, the doctors appointments. Thank the heavens for health insurance.
The rare glimpse inside of me, as promised. It hurts me the most when my husband shuts down and refuses to talk to me about things, or when I bring up certain subjects, he goes immediately to a red zone, but in literally the same breath expect me to give his subject matter a respectful listen and a joint solution. It's one way. And I think it brought having my son come here to live here for me to realize that this was the actual case. A lot of this relationship is one way. If I were on my dying bed, instead of him trying to comfort me about dying, he'd be angry at me for dying on him and I'd have to take care of him emotionally. Emotionally, I stand alone in this relationship. I don't get the outlet of my husbands support. I just don't know if he even knows how to "be there" for someone. When it comes to me needing him for help with some trivial things around the house, or taking me some where he is great, but there is another layer to this relationship that he has yet to really peel back on his side so I can open up on my side. I've tried to lead by example, I try every day to listen to all he has to say. I offer up my ideas and thoughts. Or by listening to the same drama time and time again that never changes at work (and honestly can't hear it anymore, but I will)
He finds his way to be so distant. When he is here, he isn't really here. I don't know why he's checked out, but I can't get him to check back in. He blames me for it and how I've changed, but it's hard not to change when you're being forced to stand alone against the kids, the bills, the dogs, the problems with me...and all the while I have this husband that is supposed to be here, but he just is constantly plugged into work. Working over, constantly texting his 5 man work crew, or working on paperwork for work at home, or calling his supervisor about work stuff. Literally, he adds about 5-10 hours to work from at every week. I just don't know how to fix it. I try and try to get him to take me to a movie and it constantly gets shoved off. I rarely leave the house. I walk my son to the bus stop, maybe go to 7-11 for a soda or walk my dog around the block. That is all the outside of the house venture I have. So asking him to take me to a movie is a REALLY big deal for me..and for him to say sure and then push it off all the time makes me feel sad, really sad and really forgotten. I try not to ask for much since I feel so bad that he has to do so much for me, so I try to ask for so little, but it just seems it's still too much.
Like is said in my previous post, he is my air..but right now I'm suffocating.
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