The movie I've wanted to see since November finally came out on pay per view today - I was stoked. I watched Love and Other Drugs, the main draw to the show? I could relate. No, I'm not a drug sales rep. I relate to Maggie, but no - I don't have Parkinsons. It's the story of a broken person that finds love but wants to shy away from it because of being a broken burden and having someone actually see YOU though the pieces rarely happens. I never thought I'd be where I am today with my health. I warned my husband before he married me that at that time I was doing okay, but it could get much better, but it could get much worse. I told him he could leave and I wouldn't blame him. And he said something to me, the same thing he's told a few people that has questioned him about why he chose to marry me knowing that I am broken (I prefer broken to sick, sick implies I can get better - broken is more descriptive) He said to me, and them, being broken is part of me and he loves me and can't be without me. Sure we'd both prefer it if I weren't broken.
The scale in our marriage definitely doesn't tip his way much or at all. There is always something I need from him on a daily basis. I do my absolute best on most days to give back what I can, but I just can't. Most days it's all I can do to be alive. For me a good day is being able to get up and get my son off to school with a homemade lunch, get him walked to the bus stop, remember to take my morning medications, getting my Edda walked and getting dinner cooked. Notice how a good day doesn't involve taking care of anyone but walking a dog? The dog was got for the sole purpose of helping me to get out of the house, she's perfectly content to nap with me during the day and skip the walks.
It is nearly midnight for me, and I'm wide awake. I am having problems sleeping again, there is a lot of pain involved in laying down and keeping myself laying down for a decent amount of time. On nights like this I wish I had a recliner, preferably 2 - one in the bedroom and the other in the front room. That's the perk of going to my parents for a week later this month - they have recliners. I'm veering off the the subject.
I'm so incredibly grateful for the people in my life that see who I am through the broken. I can tell you that being broken quickly weeds out your friends, but it's good though. In that way it's been a blessing. It's also allowed/forced me to be vulnerable to my husband. Something I probably wouldn't have been able to do without this. There is something incredibly humbling when I'm at my absolute worst that someone can still love you so much. Maybe I'm lucky in as much that I know that my husband truly embodies what being a husband should be; caring, kind, encouraging you to push harder, loves you unconditionally and is completely devoted to his wife. I think a lot of people may not be as lucky as I am.
I do have to say though, there is a lot of things that I hate with being broken. A few are: not being the mom I can and should be, not being the wife I can be, not having a consistent intimate relationship with my husband, not being able to be there for my friends when they need me, not being able to work, losing control over my body and have my mind and memories slowly stolen from me, knowing that it can and will get worse, and most of all I hate how I can't escape it. What I wouldn't give to be able to have a day that I felt rested when I woke up, could get out of bed without having to wait to get okay enough to start moving, walk without a limp or crouching my back and not to weigh every thing I do with how much I'm going to pay for it later that day or the next. There is a price for every action that is out of the norm, it's a constant cost/benefit analysis. I would love a freaking day without having to think or worry about what I do. I'm envious of everyone of you that get to do that.
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