The last thing that I thought would happen....

This blog is something that I've been thinking about posting since June 21st. I have to say, that after the bravery of Canadian Blogger Girl I felt that maybe I could post about it too and I wasn't the only one.

As my previous posts on this blog will indicate, I am ill. I am not going to go into what I have, again, just touching on the fact that I am ill. Because of being ill, I take a lot of medications, a lot of medications that fight pain on many different levels. Unfortunately, the side effects of many of these medications is an adverse effect on my sexual desire, mainly between all of the medications, I have zero sexual desire. To add insult to injury, my Fibromyalgia, at times, can make my cookie so completely clenched. Not "like a virgin" tight, no entry without crying out in severe pain and not loosening up. So, as you can imagine - my husband and I don't have sex very often at all. We wait around for me to get something that may be like having a sexual reaction to something and trying to exploit it so that my husband and I can enjoy each other in that way. Before my illness decided to alter the path of my life so drastically, the slightest touch of my husband running his fingers down my arm or him looking at me a certain way across the room could send us to bed. Let me tell you about that, actually - I won't go into detail other than we have amazing sex. It is nothing like any of the sex I had before him and I don't intend to be with anyone else. It is impossible to explain the love he and I share, it is what those cheesy romance novels talk about. You know, the love at first sight, can't be away from each other because it physically hurts, the world ends when I'm in his arms - kind of thing. Yes, I turned into THAT girl, all doe-eyed and the antithesis of whom I said I would when I got married. My husband, quite literally, feels the same and isn't afraid to admit it. I'm also that lucky...:) We are each others best friends and can talk to each other about everything. We check out chicks together, I point out the nice looking boobs or butts. I never discourage him looking at porn or going to a strip club, both activities, I'd gladly do with him.

We found the courage to talk to each other about the "what-if's" of the sexual aspect of our relationship. With my sexual desire taking a nose dive, and with the increased pain in my joints making our sex life incredibly difficult, even when the mood strikes. We were talking that there is possibilities of my hip bones fusing so there will be severe limitations put on my movements and it could take the possibility of sex right off of the table. Now, my husband is eight years older than I am and has a very healthy sexual appetite. I acknowledge this and also acknowledge that at some point I will no longer be able to give that to him. And as much as it breaks my heart to think about that is an awful lot to ask him to give up. So we discussed it and we left it on the table to be discussed at a later time because he felt that we were no where near needing to take up the possibility of him having a "sex stand in". In my mind, I rationalize that if that is all that is broke with our marriage, then I'd rather find a way to be okay with him meeting that need with some healthy boundaries in place than lose him and my marriage. We've discussed this many times over the last six months, all just trying to communication our thoughts and feelings on the matter and try to feel out all of the ramifications and trying to see if we could/can really make a really well thought out choice for our marriage.

Something changed with me and my sexual desire picked up a bit. I went from desiring it once every 6-7 weeks to increasing to about once everyone week/week and a half. I felt proud, maybe the time I was spending concentrating on a lot of stuff with my husband was working, or maybe doing some extra fantasizing or maybe it was reading naughty stories..who knows, but something changed and I was proud of myself. Then one day, my husband tells me he is meeting his son at the movies that evening and they were planning on seeing a scary movie (I don't like scary movies). I didn't bat an eyelash and bade him to have fun with his son, also wanting hubby to spending alone bonding time with his kids whenever he or they want. He came back about an hour and a half later, some miscommunications with his son and they decided not to see a movie, but to hang out the next day. A couple of days later, we had a small hiccup with a past issue from one of the kids and I was playing "the person in the middle" as I typically do. I got into my husband's e-mail account to see if one of the people I was trying to contact on the behalf of my husband had e-mailed him. In the process of doing thing, I clicked on his sent mail. In his sent mail, there was about 5 message with photo attachments sent to an e-mail address that looked very much like something my husband would make up. In opening up the sent pictures, I saw a couple of pictures of him, a picture of a pierced clit and a naked picture of my husbands junk. So I went to the other e-mail client and hacked into that e-mail account. I had found that my husband had posted a "strictly platonic" ad on Craigslist looking for someone to talk to but had responded to some ad for a female looking for friends with benefits and had exchanged genetalia photos with him. After doing a little bit of digging, my husband had used meeting up with his son at the mall to go to the movies as a ploy to meet up with this woman.

According to him, nothing happened between them. I was and still am devastated. I was betrayed. I was mentally and emotionally trying to be okay with him sleeping with another woman when we were no longer able to have sex. I always listened to him talk to me about his sexual frustrations. I was always very clear with him that it was nothing he was doing that caused the issue with our sex life. I knew he knew that because when we'd have a break in meds due to financial issues, we were at it like rabbits. While he says nothing physical happened with this woman, I still don't want him to touch me sexually. I can't leave him or divorce him. Don't judge me and think me weak, our relationship is special and unique. I couldn't lay next to him in bed. I could listen to him to go on and on about how much he loved me and how he knew it was a mistake from the get go but didn't know how to get out of it. Listening to him tell me for sure what he had told me a month before without meeting up with another woman that it isn't the physical act of sex he is missing....it is what makes us us is what he is missing. When we have sex, it is an amazing connection that is so above and beyond anything ever. That shit is once in a lifetime shit, not something you get with someone you don't know or don't love.

Right now, I'm still stuck on all of this. How do I move past it? How do I forgive it? How do I stop being mad at him about this? Will I ever find a way to not want to make him feel a hurt as deeply as he hurt me? I know that revenge isn't always the best way, but in this instance I want him to hurt, but I don't want to violate his trust because when I took my vows I took them very seriously.

We are going to start therapy so we can deal with this issue in addition to find ways to deal with not being able to have a sexual relationship that is satisfying to him. He understands it's not a lack of wanting him, it's an inability to want him. In so many ways our relationship is strong, but when our relationship and my illness collide, we have issues because he struggles in understanding what I go through and I am angry about being sick. I think in some ways he's angry with me for being sick but doesn't realize it.

I made my choice to stay in this marriage regardless of his urge to violate my trust and instead of us continue talking throughout the possibility of him having an approved Mistress, but it doesn't mean I don't get to still hurt about it. It doesn't mean that I want to take the mistress thing off of the table now because he's proved untrustworthy. I even added the GPS tracker service to our cell phones so I can constantly check on his location to make sure is where he says he is. I can't stand him being on his laptop, especially Craigslist, I am constantly over his shoulder with his e-mails and Facebook. I take his phone whenever my fancy wills and verify that he isn't chatting up some random chick. He isn't keeping his phone glued to him anymore which is helping. But the computer thing is killing me. It's like I can't trust him to not indulge. I just can't trust him, period.

Sorry for the long post, but I needed to get this out.

Mother's Day

I know many women are mother's. And I know a lot of those that are mother's are great ones. I guess today I am struggling with celebrating the fact that I am a mother as I watch my only child play a video game and feeling enormous guilt for being HIS mother.

Unfortunately my pregnancy with B triggered my disease. It went from a small flare here and there (nothing noticeable or to give any cause for concern to) to being full blown. The last nine and a half years of my life have been so incredibly blessed and yet so horrific at the same time. I look at my child and know that he's worth it, especially now knowing that my clock is starting to tick tock loudly and me knowing that regardless of what my body is saying it wants - it just can't.

I sit here with my mother's guilt over how I'm not the mom I wish I was because of my body. Being trapped in a prison with a life sentence for a crime that is and always be so worth it. It makes me wonder how my disease is going to impact the way my child is brought up. It makes me wonder if my child has inherited the gene that will give him a chance of having this disease. It makes me wonder if having him here with me over his dad is the smartest option knowing that I can't take him out and do things with him like his dad can. That even taking him to a library or to a McDonald's can send me to bed for a few hours. I miss the days before I got the way I am of taking him out somewhere just him and I and being together. He is truly my mini-me. He is my reason for living and he is my greatest annoyance! (hehe)

On days like today when I sit and reflect and watch my child, I sit back and think..I made that. It grew from MY belly. I loved him and nurtured him before anyone else could touch him. He is MINE. He was born from me, he slept at my side and on my chest. I am the one that he's always wanted when he's not well or hurt and even at 9 years old, he still wants to crawl in bed and cuddle me. I made that. I have my hand in rearing that. It is when I sit down and thinking about it, he may have triggered my disease into activity - but he also breathed life into me and I wouldn't change one damn thing.

Struggling

This last week and a half or so has been very difficult. My pain levels in my upper mid back have spiked nearly uncontrollably and I can barely tolerate the pain. My pain pills max at 4 a day and the start to make me sick if I'm taking them every 6 hours. So I'm taking my anti-nausea pills too which makes me loopy. I can't for the life of me figure out what is going on. My suspicion is that there is more progression of my disease in my back and either it is fusing or the vertebrae are squaring off in order to fuse. All I know is that I'm about ready for some heavier duty pain pills than I have right now. The Percoset 10's just aren't cutting it, which is sad in and of itself.

I'm struggling emotionally too. It always seems that when the physical aspect of me takes a turn for the worse, that the emotional isn't too far behind. It's just hard to keep a smile on your face when all you want to do is cry or are walking around like a freaking zombie. I'm pretty sure I need some therapy, but it's just one more thing to remind me of how fucked up my life is and I just barely turned 30 a week and a half ago.

Anyway, short and sweet - but that's all you get when I'm all but passing out.

One of my "billiant" ideas...

One day, a girl that goes by Misha thought that she'd foster a puppy for 9-12 months. This girl thought that she may not be selected, but she did. She got the puppy on Tuesday this week. That night the puppy slept like a dream due to having shots. Wednesday night, the puppy had other plans. Apparently Misha forgot that puppies don't come crate trained. The puppy cried and whined all night leaving Misha with a scant 5 hours of very broken sleep.

Misha was determined after that. After a lot of reading on the web about puppies, she went to work on crate training that day. Thursday night, it paid off. Misha was exhausted, but couldn't sleep, but the puppy entered its crate, laid down and slept for 5 solid hours - went out and did it's business and then slept for well, I'm not sure as Misha's husband was on puppy duty the next day.

Misha is now running around after a puppy telling it "NO!" when it wants to: eat the blinds, chew on the table, terrorize the cat, eat the cat poop from the litter and scavenge just about anything else in the house.

Misha is doubting her sanity!

A Movie and Some Thoughts

The movie I've wanted to see since November finally came out on pay per view today - I was stoked. I watched Love and Other Drugs, the main draw to the show? I could relate. No, I'm not a drug sales rep. I relate to Maggie, but no - I don't have Parkinsons. It's the story of a broken person that finds love but wants to shy away from it because of being a broken burden and having someone actually see YOU though the pieces rarely happens. I never thought I'd be where I am today with my health. I warned my husband before he married me that at that time I was doing okay, but it could get much better, but it could get much worse. I told him he could leave and I wouldn't blame him. And he said something to me, the same thing he's told a few people that has questioned him about why he chose to marry me knowing that I am broken (I prefer broken to sick, sick implies I can get better - broken is more descriptive) He said to me, and them, being broken is part of me and he loves me and can't be without me. Sure we'd both prefer it if I weren't broken.

The scale in our marriage definitely doesn't tip his way much or at all. There is always something I need from him on a daily basis. I do my absolute best on most days to give back what I can, but I just can't. Most days it's all I can do to be alive. For me a good day is being able to get up and get my son off to school with a homemade lunch, get him walked to the bus stop, remember to take my morning medications, getting my Edda walked and getting dinner cooked. Notice how a good day doesn't involve taking care of anyone but walking a dog? The dog was got for the sole purpose of helping me to get out of the house, she's perfectly content to nap with me during the day and skip the walks.

It is nearly midnight for me, and I'm wide awake. I am having problems sleeping again, there is a lot of pain involved in laying down and keeping myself laying down for a decent amount of time. On nights like this I wish I had a recliner, preferably 2 - one in the bedroom and the other in the front room. That's the perk of going to my parents for a week later this month - they have recliners. I'm veering off the the subject.

I'm so incredibly grateful for the people in my life that see who I am through the broken. I can tell you that being broken quickly weeds out your friends, but it's good though. In that way it's been a blessing. It's also allowed/forced me to be vulnerable to my husband. Something I probably wouldn't have been able to do without this. There is something incredibly humbling when I'm at my absolute worst that someone can still love you so much. Maybe I'm lucky in as much that I know that my husband truly embodies what being a husband should be; caring, kind, encouraging you to push harder, loves you unconditionally and is completely devoted to his wife. I think a lot of people may not be as lucky as I am.

I do have to say though, there is a lot of things that I hate with being broken. A few are: not being the mom I can and should be, not being the wife I can be, not having a consistent intimate relationship with my husband, not being able to be there for my friends when they need me, not being able to work, losing control over my body and have my mind and memories slowly stolen from me, knowing that it can and will get worse, and most of all I hate how I can't escape it. What I wouldn't give to be able to have a day that I felt rested when I woke up, could get out of bed without having to wait to get okay enough to start moving, walk without a limp or crouching my back and not to weigh every thing I do with how much I'm going to pay for it later that day or the next. There is a price for every action that is out of the norm, it's a constant cost/benefit analysis. I would love a freaking day without having to think or worry about what I do. I'm envious of everyone of you that get to do that.

The Crud

Hubby brought it home, transferred it to the teenager, the 9 year old is coming down with it..and I'm trying to hide from it. So far? Accomplished. We are doing our best to keep me from getting it. The last cold I had, I got from the teenager - just a simple cold, but it turned into bronchitis. This crap? It's going to land me in the damn hospital. I'm not being overly dramatic, I am immno-compromised. I take 2 different medications to suppress my immune system that likes to be over active on my body. sadface.

In other news, I'm headed home to take care of my good ole pops! He's getting a knee replaced and my offspring and I are off to take care of him since my mumsie can't take the full time off work. (hey, finally found a perk to being disabled!) They bought the airplane tickets, and I'm super stoked!! The countdown is on..March 18th can't come quick enough. But the flip side of the coin is that I have to leave the hubby for a week. sadface. We really are a "better when we're together" couple. (Hopefully you have a Jack Johnson tune going in your head now) That week will be crazy. I have a hard time sleeping without him. I really don't like not being around him. I know it sounds like I'm a bit codependent. I'm not, I just love being with him. I can survive without him, I just married him cause I didn't want to! hehe. A Real Housewife of Beverly Hills said it, "When someone asked me if I could really see the rest of my life with him, I told them I couldn't see the rest of my life without him" (Lisa VanderPump. I love that woman.

Speaking of Real Housewives. I'm terribly addicted. I watch them all. New York used to be my favorite, but since Bethenny isn't going to be on there anymore it's the Beverly Hills group. The Atlanta group makes me just crack up on how they can be that way. The New Jersey ones? They claim there is no mob connections, but man..I don't believe it. The OC gals? I actually enjoy them too, I just don't like Tamra all that much. And the jury is still out on the Miami one's...their first episode just aired last week and I had more fun playing games on my iTouch then actually watching their episode. I have no idea why I watch them. I just get sucked in, just like the rest of my trashy reality TV. Hubby says I need a 12 step program, he's probably right.

Anyway, it's off to shower and cuddle up in bed with my lover and watch something on the TV!

A rare glimpse on the inside of me.

Today kinda went south. I showed my husband the part of my last blog that pertained to him. He was in awe...(and I was right, no presents) but today it was a day of struggle after a bit. He hadn't eaten all day and was sleepy for the night before (which is could be a contributing factor) things got heated on both sides and he's sleeping on the couch. His punishment inflicted upon himself. With all the love we "say" we have for each other and on my side I mean it..I don't think he means it as much. Nothing tonight should have been given the instance that started it out. But he wanted to be stubborn. He wanted to shut down instead of just talking about it...and then the normal crap happens, and anyone in a marriage or extended relationship that finds two people living together, the stupid bullshit stuff that is said (more so on his side than on mine, but I'm not innocent here) you know the stuff, things get said that are said specifically because they are set there to hurt. And apparently while I'm in Utah with my family, he'll be moving out of the house. How much truth behind it? Maybe .05%.

I think the problem there stems from a place with him that feels helpless when it comes to me. I have Ankylosing Spondylitis and Fibromyalgia both of which kick my ass on a daily basis, and other days - it just takes over my body completely and I'm barely a shell of a person that can't function. I can't deny that it has to be so incredibly difficult for him to be married to me. I tell him time and time again that he doesn't have to stay. And he reassures me that he married me and whatever happens to my body doesn't take away from the person he married. I think that he feels overwhelmed with this. I spend a lot of time in bed, I need to sleep a lot. Some days, I can barely stay awake due to fatigue, others I can barely get out of bed from pain. Some days, I am kinda normal. And other days, I push past all my conceivable limits to clean the house then pay for it for a week or so. He can't fix that, he can't help me and it frustrates him and it angers him. I think that in some ways that really is a problem with a lot of our fights. The fact he feels helpless.

And the problem is, because he feels helpless, it builds up walls on both sides. I can't talk about how I really feel because he just can't (for lack of a better term) handle me telling him how I feel without him taking it personally because there isn't anything he can do for me. Case in point Sunday: he calls me to tell me he is working a double. (we'd talked and he told me he was going to try to work 2 doubles a week to help us out) Okay, no problem. He then texts me asking me how I'm feeling that day. I told him I'm having some of the worst fatigue I've had in months, that I can barely stay awake. He says, "wish I was there with you but I gotta do this" and I tell him "I know, there isn't anything you can really do for me anyway here, it's just a bad day" Well, it comes out during tonight's argument that I made him feel guilty for telling him how I was doing. He makes how I'm feeling about him and then gets pissed off at me for it. What the hell am I supposed to do? He can't detach his personal feelings about how my health is on a day. I've told him in the past that I literally wanted to die. I've been taking heavy duty pain relievers for over a year now with hardly any let up from pain, I don't know what "no pain" feels like anymore. Some days, I just mull the thought of how painless and freeing death would be. Instead of hearing me say that, he stops me at "I want to die" and then takes the whole thing personally. And when I tell him that it isn't about him, that this "selfishness" he calls it on my part is selfishness on his part. I don't really want to do, I don't plan a suicide - but when I haven't been able to full expand my lungs for a month at a time, can't sneeze without thinking that I'm blowing out my back and drop just about everything I touch..I just dream of how wonderful it will be when I'm dead and that doesn't matter anymore. I don't wish for a cure, not because I don't want to get better, but the industries don't have a financial drive to find a cure..just more and more costly medications. Tangent: Last year, one medication alone was $120,000. One. Not mentioning the others, the doctors appointments. Thank the heavens for health insurance.

The rare glimpse inside of me, as promised. It hurts me the most when my husband shuts down and refuses to talk to me about things, or when I bring up certain subjects, he goes immediately to a red zone, but in literally the same breath expect me to give his subject matter a respectful listen and a joint solution. It's one way. And I think it brought having my son come here to live here for me to realize that this was the actual case. A lot of this relationship is one way. If I were on my dying bed, instead of him trying to comfort me about dying, he'd be angry at me for dying on him and I'd have to take care of him emotionally. Emotionally, I stand alone in this relationship. I don't get the outlet of my husbands support. I just don't know if he even knows how to "be there" for someone. When it comes to me needing him for help with some trivial things around the house, or taking me some where he is great, but there is another layer to this relationship that he has yet to really peel back on his side so I can open up on my side. I've tried to lead by example, I try every day to listen to all he has to say. I offer up my ideas and thoughts. Or by listening to the same drama time and time again that never changes at work (and honestly can't hear it anymore, but I will)

He finds his way to be so distant. When he is here, he isn't really here. I don't know why he's checked out, but I can't get him to check back in. He blames me for it and how I've changed, but it's hard not to change when you're being forced to stand alone against the kids, the bills, the dogs, the problems with me...and all the while I have this husband that is supposed to be here, but he just is constantly plugged into work. Working over, constantly texting his 5 man work crew, or working on paperwork for work at home, or calling his supervisor about work stuff. Literally, he adds about 5-10 hours to work from at every week. I just don't know how to fix it. I try and try to get him to take me to a movie and it constantly gets shoved off. I rarely leave the house. I walk my son to the bus stop, maybe go to 7-11 for a soda or walk my dog around the block. That is all the outside of the house venture I have. So asking him to take me to a movie is a REALLY big deal for me..and for him to say sure and then push it off all the time makes me feel sad, really sad and really forgotten. I try not to ask for much since I feel so bad that he has to do so much for me, so I try to ask for so little, but it just seems it's still too much.

Like is said in my previous post, he is my air..but right now I'm suffocating.