Hubby brought it home, transferred it to the teenager, the 9 year old is coming down with it..and I'm trying to hide from it. So far? Accomplished. We are doing our best to keep me from getting it. The last cold I had, I got from the teenager - just a simple cold, but it turned into bronchitis. This crap? It's going to land me in the damn hospital. I'm not being overly dramatic, I am immno-compromised. I take 2 different medications to suppress my immune system that likes to be over active on my body. sadface.
In other news, I'm headed home to take care of my good ole pops! He's getting a knee replaced and my offspring and I are off to take care of him since my mumsie can't take the full time off work. (hey, finally found a perk to being disabled!) They bought the airplane tickets, and I'm super stoked!! The countdown is on..March 18th can't come quick enough. But the flip side of the coin is that I have to leave the hubby for a week. sadface. We really are a "better when we're together" couple. (Hopefully you have a Jack Johnson tune going in your head now) That week will be crazy. I have a hard time sleeping without him. I really don't like not being around him. I know it sounds like I'm a bit codependent. I'm not, I just love being with him. I can survive without him, I just married him cause I didn't want to! hehe. A Real Housewife of Beverly Hills said it, "When someone asked me if I could really see the rest of my life with him, I told them I couldn't see the rest of my life without him" (Lisa VanderPump. I love that woman.
Speaking of Real Housewives. I'm terribly addicted. I watch them all. New York used to be my favorite, but since Bethenny isn't going to be on there anymore it's the Beverly Hills group. The Atlanta group makes me just crack up on how they can be that way. The New Jersey ones? They claim there is no mob connections, but man..I don't believe it. The OC gals? I actually enjoy them too, I just don't like Tamra all that much. And the jury is still out on the Miami one's...their first episode just aired last week and I had more fun playing games on my iTouch then actually watching their episode. I have no idea why I watch them. I just get sucked in, just like the rest of my trashy reality TV. Hubby says I need a 12 step program, he's probably right.
Anyway, it's off to shower and cuddle up in bed with my lover and watch something on the TV!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
A rare glimpse on the inside of me.
Today kinda went south. I showed my husband the part of my last blog that pertained to him. He was in awe...(and I was right, no presents) but today it was a day of struggle after a bit. He hadn't eaten all day and was sleepy for the night before (which is could be a contributing factor) things got heated on both sides and he's sleeping on the couch. His punishment inflicted upon himself. With all the love we "say" we have for each other and on my side I mean it..I don't think he means it as much. Nothing tonight should have been given the instance that started it out. But he wanted to be stubborn. He wanted to shut down instead of just talking about it...and then the normal crap happens, and anyone in a marriage or extended relationship that finds two people living together, the stupid bullshit stuff that is said (more so on his side than on mine, but I'm not innocent here) you know the stuff, things get said that are said specifically because they are set there to hurt. And apparently while I'm in Utah with my family, he'll be moving out of the house. How much truth behind it? Maybe .05%.
I think the problem there stems from a place with him that feels helpless when it comes to me. I have Ankylosing Spondylitis and Fibromyalgia both of which kick my ass on a daily basis, and other days - it just takes over my body completely and I'm barely a shell of a person that can't function. I can't deny that it has to be so incredibly difficult for him to be married to me. I tell him time and time again that he doesn't have to stay. And he reassures me that he married me and whatever happens to my body doesn't take away from the person he married. I think that he feels overwhelmed with this. I spend a lot of time in bed, I need to sleep a lot. Some days, I can barely stay awake due to fatigue, others I can barely get out of bed from pain. Some days, I am kinda normal. And other days, I push past all my conceivable limits to clean the house then pay for it for a week or so. He can't fix that, he can't help me and it frustrates him and it angers him. I think that in some ways that really is a problem with a lot of our fights. The fact he feels helpless.
And the problem is, because he feels helpless, it builds up walls on both sides. I can't talk about how I really feel because he just can't (for lack of a better term) handle me telling him how I feel without him taking it personally because there isn't anything he can do for me. Case in point Sunday: he calls me to tell me he is working a double. (we'd talked and he told me he was going to try to work 2 doubles a week to help us out) Okay, no problem. He then texts me asking me how I'm feeling that day. I told him I'm having some of the worst fatigue I've had in months, that I can barely stay awake. He says, "wish I was there with you but I gotta do this" and I tell him "I know, there isn't anything you can really do for me anyway here, it's just a bad day" Well, it comes out during tonight's argument that I made him feel guilty for telling him how I was doing. He makes how I'm feeling about him and then gets pissed off at me for it. What the hell am I supposed to do? He can't detach his personal feelings about how my health is on a day. I've told him in the past that I literally wanted to die. I've been taking heavy duty pain relievers for over a year now with hardly any let up from pain, I don't know what "no pain" feels like anymore. Some days, I just mull the thought of how painless and freeing death would be. Instead of hearing me say that, he stops me at "I want to die" and then takes the whole thing personally. And when I tell him that it isn't about him, that this "selfishness" he calls it on my part is selfishness on his part. I don't really want to do, I don't plan a suicide - but when I haven't been able to full expand my lungs for a month at a time, can't sneeze without thinking that I'm blowing out my back and drop just about everything I touch..I just dream of how wonderful it will be when I'm dead and that doesn't matter anymore. I don't wish for a cure, not because I don't want to get better, but the industries don't have a financial drive to find a cure..just more and more costly medications. Tangent: Last year, one medication alone was $120,000. One. Not mentioning the others, the doctors appointments. Thank the heavens for health insurance.
The rare glimpse inside of me, as promised. It hurts me the most when my husband shuts down and refuses to talk to me about things, or when I bring up certain subjects, he goes immediately to a red zone, but in literally the same breath expect me to give his subject matter a respectful listen and a joint solution. It's one way. And I think it brought having my son come here to live here for me to realize that this was the actual case. A lot of this relationship is one way. If I were on my dying bed, instead of him trying to comfort me about dying, he'd be angry at me for dying on him and I'd have to take care of him emotionally. Emotionally, I stand alone in this relationship. I don't get the outlet of my husbands support. I just don't know if he even knows how to "be there" for someone. When it comes to me needing him for help with some trivial things around the house, or taking me some where he is great, but there is another layer to this relationship that he has yet to really peel back on his side so I can open up on my side. I've tried to lead by example, I try every day to listen to all he has to say. I offer up my ideas and thoughts. Or by listening to the same drama time and time again that never changes at work (and honestly can't hear it anymore, but I will)
He finds his way to be so distant. When he is here, he isn't really here. I don't know why he's checked out, but I can't get him to check back in. He blames me for it and how I've changed, but it's hard not to change when you're being forced to stand alone against the kids, the bills, the dogs, the problems with me...and all the while I have this husband that is supposed to be here, but he just is constantly plugged into work. Working over, constantly texting his 5 man work crew, or working on paperwork for work at home, or calling his supervisor about work stuff. Literally, he adds about 5-10 hours to work from at every week. I just don't know how to fix it. I try and try to get him to take me to a movie and it constantly gets shoved off. I rarely leave the house. I walk my son to the bus stop, maybe go to 7-11 for a soda or walk my dog around the block. That is all the outside of the house venture I have. So asking him to take me to a movie is a REALLY big deal for me..and for him to say sure and then push it off all the time makes me feel sad, really sad and really forgotten. I try not to ask for much since I feel so bad that he has to do so much for me, so I try to ask for so little, but it just seems it's still too much.
Like is said in my previous post, he is my air..but right now I'm suffocating.
I think the problem there stems from a place with him that feels helpless when it comes to me. I have Ankylosing Spondylitis and Fibromyalgia both of which kick my ass on a daily basis, and other days - it just takes over my body completely and I'm barely a shell of a person that can't function. I can't deny that it has to be so incredibly difficult for him to be married to me. I tell him time and time again that he doesn't have to stay. And he reassures me that he married me and whatever happens to my body doesn't take away from the person he married. I think that he feels overwhelmed with this. I spend a lot of time in bed, I need to sleep a lot. Some days, I can barely stay awake due to fatigue, others I can barely get out of bed from pain. Some days, I am kinda normal. And other days, I push past all my conceivable limits to clean the house then pay for it for a week or so. He can't fix that, he can't help me and it frustrates him and it angers him. I think that in some ways that really is a problem with a lot of our fights. The fact he feels helpless.
And the problem is, because he feels helpless, it builds up walls on both sides. I can't talk about how I really feel because he just can't (for lack of a better term) handle me telling him how I feel without him taking it personally because there isn't anything he can do for me. Case in point Sunday: he calls me to tell me he is working a double. (we'd talked and he told me he was going to try to work 2 doubles a week to help us out) Okay, no problem. He then texts me asking me how I'm feeling that day. I told him I'm having some of the worst fatigue I've had in months, that I can barely stay awake. He says, "wish I was there with you but I gotta do this" and I tell him "I know, there isn't anything you can really do for me anyway here, it's just a bad day" Well, it comes out during tonight's argument that I made him feel guilty for telling him how I was doing. He makes how I'm feeling about him and then gets pissed off at me for it. What the hell am I supposed to do? He can't detach his personal feelings about how my health is on a day. I've told him in the past that I literally wanted to die. I've been taking heavy duty pain relievers for over a year now with hardly any let up from pain, I don't know what "no pain" feels like anymore. Some days, I just mull the thought of how painless and freeing death would be. Instead of hearing me say that, he stops me at "I want to die" and then takes the whole thing personally. And when I tell him that it isn't about him, that this "selfishness" he calls it on my part is selfishness on his part. I don't really want to do, I don't plan a suicide - but when I haven't been able to full expand my lungs for a month at a time, can't sneeze without thinking that I'm blowing out my back and drop just about everything I touch..I just dream of how wonderful it will be when I'm dead and that doesn't matter anymore. I don't wish for a cure, not because I don't want to get better, but the industries don't have a financial drive to find a cure..just more and more costly medications. Tangent: Last year, one medication alone was $120,000. One. Not mentioning the others, the doctors appointments. Thank the heavens for health insurance.
The rare glimpse inside of me, as promised. It hurts me the most when my husband shuts down and refuses to talk to me about things, or when I bring up certain subjects, he goes immediately to a red zone, but in literally the same breath expect me to give his subject matter a respectful listen and a joint solution. It's one way. And I think it brought having my son come here to live here for me to realize that this was the actual case. A lot of this relationship is one way. If I were on my dying bed, instead of him trying to comfort me about dying, he'd be angry at me for dying on him and I'd have to take care of him emotionally. Emotionally, I stand alone in this relationship. I don't get the outlet of my husbands support. I just don't know if he even knows how to "be there" for someone. When it comes to me needing him for help with some trivial things around the house, or taking me some where he is great, but there is another layer to this relationship that he has yet to really peel back on his side so I can open up on my side. I've tried to lead by example, I try every day to listen to all he has to say. I offer up my ideas and thoughts. Or by listening to the same drama time and time again that never changes at work (and honestly can't hear it anymore, but I will)
He finds his way to be so distant. When he is here, he isn't really here. I don't know why he's checked out, but I can't get him to check back in. He blames me for it and how I've changed, but it's hard not to change when you're being forced to stand alone against the kids, the bills, the dogs, the problems with me...and all the while I have this husband that is supposed to be here, but he just is constantly plugged into work. Working over, constantly texting his 5 man work crew, or working on paperwork for work at home, or calling his supervisor about work stuff. Literally, he adds about 5-10 hours to work from at every week. I just don't know how to fix it. I try and try to get him to take me to a movie and it constantly gets shoved off. I rarely leave the house. I walk my son to the bus stop, maybe go to 7-11 for a soda or walk my dog around the block. That is all the outside of the house venture I have. So asking him to take me to a movie is a REALLY big deal for me..and for him to say sure and then push it off all the time makes me feel sad, really sad and really forgotten. I try not to ask for much since I feel so bad that he has to do so much for me, so I try to ask for so little, but it just seems it's still too much.
Like is said in my previous post, he is my air..but right now I'm suffocating.
A thought on love..
As stated in my previous post, I'm not a huge fan of people. The few I let in, I love with an intensity that is difficult to explain. My husband's children, my child, my real family and the family of friend(s) I have made.
Today is a day for lovers, but I always think about it as a day for love. It's a time to reflect on those you love and why. So here it is:
My Husband: For seeing the best in me at my worst and loving me in spite of it. For taking such good care of me and hardly going a day without me feeling loved so tremendously. I truly could never imagine my life without him, he is my air.
My Kids: For being that, my kids. One I birthed and 3 I inherited with marriage. I can't imagine my life without any of the inherited ones, like I can't imagine my life without my son.
My Brother: For reconnecting with me and letting me be there for him through everything he is going through. And listening to me.
My Mom: For always trying to get me to look on the bright side, when all I can see is dark. And for booking a couple of tickets for my wee one and I to head home for a week.
My Dad (chosen one): For stepping in and being a freaking awesome dad! I really am happy that he chose to be part of my life.
My Dad (the bio one): For owning up to the past and being willing to move ahead in the present. It will be nice to rekindle a missed relationship.
Tanca: My bestest friend, for always listening to me when I feel like my world is coming to an end. You're the peanut butter to my jelly!
Brandi: For understanding that just because I don't carry on hour long conversations with you all the time doesn't mean I love you any less!
These are my thoughts on love on Valentine's Day. Even if I don't get a gift from my husband, I get one every day as it is.
Today is a day for lovers, but I always think about it as a day for love. It's a time to reflect on those you love and why. So here it is:
My Husband: For seeing the best in me at my worst and loving me in spite of it. For taking such good care of me and hardly going a day without me feeling loved so tremendously. I truly could never imagine my life without him, he is my air.
My Kids: For being that, my kids. One I birthed and 3 I inherited with marriage. I can't imagine my life without any of the inherited ones, like I can't imagine my life without my son.
My Brother: For reconnecting with me and letting me be there for him through everything he is going through. And listening to me.
My Mom: For always trying to get me to look on the bright side, when all I can see is dark. And for booking a couple of tickets for my wee one and I to head home for a week.
My Dad (chosen one): For stepping in and being a freaking awesome dad! I really am happy that he chose to be part of my life.
My Dad (the bio one): For owning up to the past and being willing to move ahead in the present. It will be nice to rekindle a missed relationship.
Tanca: My bestest friend, for always listening to me when I feel like my world is coming to an end. You're the peanut butter to my jelly!
Brandi: For understanding that just because I don't carry on hour long conversations with you all the time doesn't mean I love you any less!
These are my thoughts on love on Valentine's Day. Even if I don't get a gift from my husband, I get one every day as it is.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I found something to do!
I had a 2 hour volunteer orientation at the county animal shelter. I'm one of those people that like animals more than people. Apparently I need to take a total of 5 hours worth of classes on how to train and handle does with what I want to do there. Well, one of the thing I want to do there. Anyway, here is my conundrum with this. It's not that I'm opposed to listening to what they have to say, but I know how to handle dogs. I know how to train dogs. I can train them with positive reinforcement, treat driven or properly using a pinch collar or choke chain. Before ya'll gasp, they are effective tools when used correctly. Just one quick pop, no pulling on the pinch or the choke - that doesn't do anything for you. I'm lucky enough to have a husband that works in a field where he is around dogs all the time, and his BFF is a trainer in that field. So, to say I know how to properly handle a dog and can read their behavior is a pretty correct statement. So, Friday - I get to learn how to handle dogs and if I'm lucky I can do my training for training the dogs then. I pretty well let the coordinator know that I'd be willing to learn and do anything within the shelter.
I'm a huge fan of dogs, we have 3. I have 2 chihuahua mixes (roughly 7 pounds) and I have a pure bred German Shepard. I'm going to have a hard time not bringing all the dogs home. I'm also going to have a hard time when the dogs get adopted or worse, put down. My husband has stated that if there is a behavior issue with a dog and they are going to put the dog down that he'd be okay with fostering the dog and working on the behavior issues and then trying to find a home for the dog.
The truth is, I'm a dog person. I'm not talking my preference to dogs over cats, it's a preference to dogs over people. Especially in this town, people just aren't nice or friendly. It's like everyone doesn't want you here and that they feel like you are intruding on their "space". Dogs aren't like that. They are pretty unassuming, they are always happy to see you. A kiss for you when you're sad and eyes that tell you how much they love you. My dog, Edda is my constant companion and is learning how to be my "service dog". She's learned to brace so I can use her to help get up. Next up is getting her a handle harness so I can grab here when I'm swaying in other words, lost my balance and trying to regain it. She also is always by my side a constant reminder of constant and unconditional love.
I feel like a nap..Edda is waiting! :)
I'm a huge fan of dogs, we have 3. I have 2 chihuahua mixes (roughly 7 pounds) and I have a pure bred German Shepard. I'm going to have a hard time not bringing all the dogs home. I'm also going to have a hard time when the dogs get adopted or worse, put down. My husband has stated that if there is a behavior issue with a dog and they are going to put the dog down that he'd be okay with fostering the dog and working on the behavior issues and then trying to find a home for the dog.
The truth is, I'm a dog person. I'm not talking my preference to dogs over cats, it's a preference to dogs over people. Especially in this town, people just aren't nice or friendly. It's like everyone doesn't want you here and that they feel like you are intruding on their "space". Dogs aren't like that. They are pretty unassuming, they are always happy to see you. A kiss for you when you're sad and eyes that tell you how much they love you. My dog, Edda is my constant companion and is learning how to be my "service dog". She's learned to brace so I can use her to help get up. Next up is getting her a handle harness so I can grab here when I'm swaying in other words, lost my balance and trying to regain it. She also is always by my side a constant reminder of constant and unconditional love.
I feel like a nap..Edda is waiting! :)
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Man I love him..
..but I think I married the bad luck dude and it is passing on to me. It never seems like we can get ahead, we are always limping along. Just as we get to a decent place or point, something else comes along. I have never in my life experienced that much frustration. Example, we will fix problem A in the truck and then problem B manifests like a week later. Luckily hubby used to be a mechanic and is kind of a handy man so it usually works out - but it just seems like we are never getting ahead.
Yesterday was full of set backs again, problems with a year long issue that just won't resolve and then a financial set back (again). Sometimes it feels like the year and a half that hubby and I have been married and the 2 years we have been together, we've been thrown so much crap but we make it through. I don't know how, but we make it through.
Sometimes I wonder if all of these were signs that I shouldn't have stuck with it, but in my heart I just can't imagine me with out him. I just can't see me life without him. It just doesn't make sense without him. We struggle, we have problems, he's got a dead beat ex that just takes his money but refuses to support 1 of her kids even though she gets the child support for 3. It's just hard and it's just frustrating. Just ugh.
I should probably figure out what to do with this headache coming on. I think it is a migraine. Ugh, I hate migraine days.
Yesterday was full of set backs again, problems with a year long issue that just won't resolve and then a financial set back (again). Sometimes it feels like the year and a half that hubby and I have been married and the 2 years we have been together, we've been thrown so much crap but we make it through. I don't know how, but we make it through.
Sometimes I wonder if all of these were signs that I shouldn't have stuck with it, but in my heart I just can't imagine me with out him. I just can't see me life without him. It just doesn't make sense without him. We struggle, we have problems, he's got a dead beat ex that just takes his money but refuses to support 1 of her kids even though she gets the child support for 3. It's just hard and it's just frustrating. Just ugh.
I should probably figure out what to do with this headache coming on. I think it is a migraine. Ugh, I hate migraine days.
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