I know many women are mother's. And I know a lot of those that are mother's are great ones. I guess today I am struggling with celebrating the fact that I am a mother as I watch my only child play a video game and feeling enormous guilt for being HIS mother.
Unfortunately my pregnancy with B triggered my disease. It went from a small flare here and there (nothing noticeable or to give any cause for concern to) to being full blown. The last nine and a half years of my life have been so incredibly blessed and yet so horrific at the same time. I look at my child and know that he's worth it, especially now knowing that my clock is starting to tick tock loudly and me knowing that regardless of what my body is saying it wants - it just can't.
I sit here with my mother's guilt over how I'm not the mom I wish I was because of my body. Being trapped in a prison with a life sentence for a crime that is and always be so worth it. It makes me wonder how my disease is going to impact the way my child is brought up. It makes me wonder if my child has inherited the gene that will give him a chance of having this disease. It makes me wonder if having him here with me over his dad is the smartest option knowing that I can't take him out and do things with him like his dad can. That even taking him to a library or to a McDonald's can send me to bed for a few hours. I miss the days before I got the way I am of taking him out somewhere just him and I and being together. He is truly my mini-me. He is my reason for living and he is my greatest annoyance! (hehe)
On days like today when I sit and reflect and watch my child, I sit back and think..I made that. It grew from MY belly. I loved him and nurtured him before anyone else could touch him. He is MINE. He was born from me, he slept at my side and on my chest. I am the one that he's always wanted when he's not well or hurt and even at 9 years old, he still wants to crawl in bed and cuddle me. I made that. I have my hand in rearing that. It is when I sit down and thinking about it, he may have triggered my disease into activity - but he also breathed life into me and I wouldn't change one damn thing.
