Do you ever really wonder what it entailed in the vows that you take when you take them? Are we all just starry-eyed brides and grooms and not really sure what it is we have gotten ourselves into? When is it that you find the true test of marriage and what it means? Is it when your diseases starts taking away who you are and your husband reminds you that you’re the most important person in his life? Or is it in times of crisis that which defines our characters and our relationships?
I always wonder this, when do you find when your relationship or marriage is strong? When do you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you (as a couple) can weather anything that the world throws at you? Does it make it more difficult if there are pre-existing situations? Does that make it easier since you have some other life experience under your belt? Or is it that at the end of the day that the thought of your life without that person would destroy you? What if you are worried that the person may destroy you? I guess my answer to that last question is this….
Maybe it’s the vulnerability and the uncertainty that binds to people together. Maybe it’s the realization that the former strength you had is now different. That the person you chose to be with at first wasn’t because you needed them, but because you wanted them. Then over time you do need them. They become part of the things in life you need – just as much as you need food and water and air. But then the vulnerability sets it. The doubt and sometimes uncertainty. Maybe it’s more of a fear than anything. The fear that you’ve allowed yourself to become dependent on another person. And I don’t really care who you are – that is something that will scare the shit out of anybody.
I was a self-sufficient and effective single woman. I was not afraid of spending the rest of life alone. I have a great son and great friends. I didn’t have a fear of anything. But now I’ve opened myself up, further than I’ve ever opened myself up and part of it is wonderful and the rest of it is just scary. Sometimes I question myself, but the answer is always the same. It’s the person that I’m with is my air. I’m not the same without him and I don’t know if I’d ever be able to pick up the pieces without him. How do you not be scared shitless? How do you not worry that your not going to be enough? He tells me and he shows me, but why is there always that inkling that it’s just not quite enough? I think, that for myself, that it is because there were some trust and abandonment issues in my early life that has made this difficult for me. I do know to the bottom of my toes that there is not one things we can’t over come, but sometimes – I just worry about how much I can weather. I think that’s always on the back of my mind – regardless of what aspect of my life it is. I’m not sure who much I can weather and there is still a piece of me that doesn’t lean on him fully – maybe that’s my last bit of independence that I’ve not let go. Maybe that’s the last bit of myself that I’m holding on to. My fear of failure.
So maybe at the end of the day – the definition of marriage is more than the vows you take. Maybe the definition of marriage is your willingness to healthily need someone in your life that inspires and encourages and supports you in becoming the best person that you are able to. I don’t remember that in my vows…….
